|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 30, 2009 4:42:42 GMT -5
I'm coughing my fucking lungs up. Smoking too much. Oh yes, I'm brilliant. It's ironic, the man I can't stop thinking about was a doctor, and he probably would've told me I should quit. And I probably would've listened to him. So why don't I just quit now? Because if I do, I'll end up bitching at people to the point where they freak out and/or sob dejectedly. And, the sad truth, I don't care enough about myself anymore to quit. I mean, I care about myself, but part of me doesn't care whether or not I'm on this plane of existence.
I remember when I cared. It wasn't even that long ago. It's pathetic that the only time I really care about what I'm doing to my body is when I'm in love with someone. The thing about this one, though, is that he's not alive anymore, so my self-care has gone halfway out the window. I say halfway, because I do care about myself, just not enough.
My therapist will probably tell me tomorrow that Mark is "safe" for me to want because he's the ultimate unattainable. And that of course I trust him, he was my doctor for a while there (to all intents and purposes, he was at one point). But I don't even usually trust my doctors as much as I trusted him. And for him being unattainable, I'd want him more if he were alive and I could actually talk to him and be with him. I was too young before. I was of age, but I was naive to the point of absurdity. I've been through a lot over the last few years. And I'd definitely at least ask him out if he were alive today.
|
|
|
Post by Jude on Dec 3, 2009 21:03:51 GMT -5
I'll try not to sob dejectedly
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Dec 4, 2009 3:47:44 GMT -5
Ah, now me gets it. I almost thought you were reading my mind earlier. XD It turns out, I don't have much of a choice in whether I want to cut down on my nicotine intake or not. I can't smoke nearly as much as I could. I've gone through two and 2/3 cigarettes since I got that pack yesterday. Basically three cigarettes in eleven hours. Yeah... I'm gonna end up quitting or coming damn close whether I want to or not. O.o
|
|
|
Post by Jude on Dec 5, 2009 5:45:02 GMT -5
I read your mind! I just do it in clever ways *grin* It would be far too obvious of me to just do it in the regular way XD
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Dec 9, 2009 6:45:32 GMT -5
I went to the hospital today, saw his picture on the wall. It was almost like visiting a grave. It was scary to know I wouldn't actually see him there.
|
|
|
Post by Jude on Dec 9, 2009 21:46:23 GMT -5
Did it help at all to see it?
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Dec 11, 2009 19:48:06 GMT -5
In some ways, yes. In other ways, it just made things worse.
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Dec 11, 2009 20:01:48 GMT -5
I can only think of one person I'd trust, really trust, so completely that I could actually be with them. I don't know how, he just gained my trust fast. He's had it since the first time I met him. Possibly because, first thing, he had me lay on a fucking hospital bed and felt my stomach. XD Gets one over the fear of not trusting someone real damn fast if it's ever going to, hahahaha.
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Dec 20, 2009 13:53:28 GMT -5
It just occurred to me that Mark deviated from my physical "type" of guy. It actually kinda dawned on me before, when Jess was so shocked when she saw him (having expected someone similar to Neil), but it really sank in today. I would say it's strange, but it makes perfect sense. Everything about this one truly is... different. I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out, because on one hand, it's likely that I've finally found the one I've been looking for all my life (and, at one point in my life, he was right under my nose); on the other hand, I can't be with him because he's gone (and, at one point in my life, he was right under my nose).
|
|
|
Post by Nephyr Pariah on Jan 7, 2010 14:29:13 GMT -5
If it weren't for Ozzy, right now, I'd be completely fucking destroyed. It's kinda funny to hang on a song for moral support. I realized that part of why I'm so stuck on this song is because of the words, "But we'll be together/ Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone". Mom used to always say, "The future isn't written in stone." Ozzy saying the exact opposite is significant, because Ozzy at least used to be Mom's go-to guy. She doesn't seem to go to him much anymore, but then, she doesn't oft say her line anymore, either.
I don't want to feel like I have to believe in God to see Mark again, because I don't believe in God and don't think I could delude myself into believing in God like I did when I was an impressionable, young mind. I don't know what I do believe, though. All I know is, if I start thinking I'll never see Mark again, I'll lose my mind.
|
|
|
Post by Jude on Jan 8, 2010 9:55:40 GMT -5
from a certain point of view, the future has already happened
|
|