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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 12, 2009 18:19:41 GMT -5
Lately, I've not been able to stop thinking. I'm not sure I want to, or maybe I do, I just don't know. A few years ago, there was a doctor I had quite a sizeable crush on. He shot himself. It left me pretty shaken, but I didn't actually let it show; how much it hurt, how much I missed him. I didn't even really know him that well, I just felt something from him that I wanted to be close to. I was afraid people would think it was some shallow thing instead of that I actually cared about him. How could I not care? He helped me and my family on countless occasions, he was always so damn selfless and just... a beautiful person. I remember seeing him walk out of Wal-Mart one time. The reason this stuck in my mind is because he was bringing his shopping cart back into the store, and very few people ever did that. He walked out with a smile on his face, a genuine one, looking up at the world and he looked like he felt great. About a year or so later, he lost a patient and killed himself. It sticks in my mind. I keep wishing there were some way someone could have helped him through it. He helped so many people, but who was there to help him? I can't stop thinking about him, though he died over four years ago. It fucks with my head to know that he's not coming back. How finite this world can be. If someone carves something into their arm deep enough, it's there until they die. If someone loses an arm, it's gone- just, gone. Mark is... gone. He's not coming back, there's no way to tell him he was a good, caring person and there's no way to help him now. There's no way through. For someone to hurt so much that they actually take their own life, I can't imagine. I've felt much pain in my life, and have considered ending mine on countless occasions, but to actually do it... what was he thinking? Who could've helped him? Did anyone try? Did anyone even know he needed help before it was too late?
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 12, 2009 18:40:46 GMT -5
Heaven forbid anyone but Mom have a fucking problem. I was having some shit going on and kinda wanted to talk to Mom about it, but as soon as she saw I was in a bad way, she started talking about what a shitty life she has and how she can't wait until it's over. Mom really doesn't even have a clue what's going on in my life anymore, yet I seem to always know what's going on in her head (at least in part because it's always the same). Well, she's successfully brought me out of my depression. Now I'm pissed off. Unfortunately, the depression will be back after the anger wears off. -_- Thanks, Mom. Way to make the problem worse. Now I have to worry about her too. Can we say, "I give up!"?
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Post by Jude on Nov 12, 2009 21:52:11 GMT -5
Am I allowed to comment here?
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 13, 2009 7:30:41 GMT -5
Indeed, you are. Everyone is, if they like. *nods*
And, it turns out, I'd actually spaced that Mom actually asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell her. There's that much of a wedge between us anymore. It's insane. And, well, you know what all happened tonight. Ugh, and on Neil's birthday. Worst Neil's birthday I've ever had. Yay, Neil's birthday is a holiday! XD
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Post by Jude on Nov 13, 2009 21:16:12 GMT -5
bawwww misunderstandings. let's go live in a lighthouse
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 13, 2009 21:33:58 GMT -5
Lol, maybe. At least we know nothing would crash into us. XD
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 13, 2009 23:42:37 GMT -5
Looking through fucking obits. I must be out of my mind. I found him there. I wish I hadn't.
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 13, 2009 23:45:20 GMT -5
Six years. It's been six years. I didn't know it had been that long. Honestly, it feels like it could've been yesterday.
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 13, 2009 23:45:56 GMT -5
I hate death.
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 14, 2009 15:02:22 GMT -5
I don't think I'll even have to make a new thread. Things I've been thinking about pretty much sums up everything. O.o That's pretty cool. Oh, wait, I just thought of something.
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 19, 2009 10:57:26 GMT -5
i need to stop thinking. i think. ironic, isn't it? XD
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Post by Jude on Nov 19, 2009 21:56:39 GMT -5
thinking thinking. i guess it depends on... stuff. whether i need to stop i mean. sometimes i need to think about other stuff. or take a break from it :k
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 23, 2009 23:52:28 GMT -5
A break from this mind thing might be nice, but then, I don't want to take a break. I don't want to forget him. I'm terrified of forgetting him.  Bloody TERRIFIED. |
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Post by Jude on Nov 24, 2009 20:48:02 GMT -5
How could you possibly forget him? I don't think you really need to worry about that. Some day you might not think about him nonstop, but that doesn't mean you forgot him.
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Post by Nephyr Pariah on Nov 30, 2009 4:42:00 GMT -5
How could you possibly forget him? I don't think you really need to worry about that. Some day you might not think about him nonstop, but that doesn't mean you forgot him. I know... but I don't want to lose him. I mean, details. I don't know, I'm off my nut. -_- |
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Bloody TERRIFIED.