I Don't Get It...

[PurpleGrape]

Why the fuck do people play games?
I don't understand the need to play these fucked up emotonal games!
It's fucking bullshit!
She fucking left me, fucked us up and left me and I let her go because it was easier to learn to love her less than it was to cling to something I coudn't have. It's been 10 months. 10 painful and tearfilled months. 10 months of crying and screaming and trying to understand and let her go. 10 months of trying to move on a free myself from that horrible fucking pain.
And after 10 months...just this night actually, I claimed my freedom from her. I claimed that I was as over her as I would ever be and that I felt okay about it all. Just tonight I became independent again.
Then I decided to check my email for the first time in a week or so...and I start deleting junk and there she is. She subscribed to my YouTube channel...and she commented on a video.
She strated the contact again.
She came back.
After 10 months of fighting to get away...she's back.
And maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have severed ties a bit more. Maybe I shold have told her how I hurt. But she wouldn't have understood and I would have embarassed myself anf humiliated myself and still had to try to get over her.
I was free, for that hour or two I was free. Then she returned and fucked it all up again.
I don;t know what to do. I wantto reply...I want to contact her ahain. What if it could be like before? I know it wouldn't be but...what if? there's always a chance, right?
I was in love with her, what if I still am?
I must still feel something to be reactingin this way.
I don;t want her back. She was gone and I was ok and now she fucked it up! I want to beok again. I want to be happy without her and she won't let me!
Why the fuck does she have to mess with me?

(excuse the typos...I'm crying too much to care.)

[Jude]

aww hun *snuggle* maybe you need more time. in my humble opinion, you need to get as much away from her as possible and stay that way. that's just my take on it. i was a complete mess over a boy one time for YEARS and getting away from him was one of the best things i ever did. not because of him but because of me and how i reacted to him. i felt like i needed him and i couldn't be happy myself. losing that feeling freed me. it might be different for you, i just wanted to tell you what happened for me.

[PurpleGrape]

*sigh* Wow...I seem to have completely blanked out the night I freaked out over this XP

I'm much better now. And I think I'm going to do what you said Jude. I'm just going to keep myself as far from her as possible. It'll help ^^
*snuggle*
Thank you.

[PurpleGrape]

So, like, in the past couple days everything has changed. I did this riduculos freak out here and on twitter to this girl Justyna who I met on the MikaFanClub and then BOOM...everything changed.

I met Justyna in September and we hit it off pretty quick and became close friends really easily. Of course I ignored all warnings from my parents that "She could be lying" and "I don't really know her" cause I trust her and I believe her.

For a few weeks she'd been asking me questions like "If you wanted to tell someone something that might make the relationship awkward what would you do." I didn't know at first that she was talking about me but I had a feeling she was and I had been questioning myself for the past few weeks because I had caught myself falling in love with her. And that was scaring me, especially after still figuring out the shit with Crystal. And I thought that maybe I didn't really feel that way but I was clinging to her cause she is so nice. But when she started asking me these questions I wondered if maybe she was in love with me and that's what she wanted to tell me because we were so close that nothing else could make our relationship awkward.

So I started really questioning myself and I decided that I do love her but I was still too scared to make the first move cause I convinced myself that she didn't love me. I finally pushed her to tell me what she was thinking about on Monday night...and she told me she loved me by giving me Adam Lambert's Cover of "I Just Love You" :') It was so perfect that I froze for a moment and I didn't know what to say. I mean...I knew what to say but I couldn't say anything for a minute.

And she wasn't expecting me to return the feeling, she thought I'd shoot her down. And I told her I loved her as well and now, 2 days later...everything feel so perfect.

It may seem stupid...I mean, I've known her for a few months and only over the internet and I guess there is a chance she could be lying and just playing games but...I don't care. I trust her and she's making me very happy. And even if she is lying...I'm fine because it's bringing me some happiness for now ^^

But now we're running all over the MikaFanClub being all mushy XP I'm waiting for someone to tell us to shut up *giggle*

Anyway...just thought I'd tell you...I wanted to share my happiness

[PurpleGrape]

Before I couldn't get anyone and now I'm in love with Justyna and still 'dating' John who I'm about to go break up with...Even if you don't like the person that much it's heard to break up with them. Especially since he really is a nice guy...he's just...not for me.
Fuck.

[Jude]

omg yay : D *snuggles you*

i understand about him not being for you. that makes sense. i'm sure he's mature enough to realize it's for the best.

but DUDE... i'm so happy for you : D : D : D

[PurpleGrape]

*squee* *snuggle*
*giggle*
Thank you Jude *hug*
I swear it's just getting better every day.
I can't go a day without talking to her. I'm completely in love ad addicted and it feels great <3 And I'm about 97% sure I'm over Crystal too...and I don't think I'm ever 100% sure about anything so, really, that's quite good ^^
*is happy*

[Jude]

lol getting better. just don't beat your woman and keep her apart from the things that she loves XD

i'm glad : D i'm actually writing you a letter now, btw XD